Do you like to wait in lines? If you answered yes to that, you might want to skip today’s blog, because I’m about to get stupid on line waiting.

Lines. Or, as my friends from across the pond might call them: Queues.

Well, I ate waitin’ on the queue guvna!

I know that we can’t get away from lines. You have to buy things like movie tickets, or more importantly food. True, I’m the guy standing behind the person who still pays for their groceries with checks and starts to fidget like I’m about to have a stroke. I hate lines.

I’ve been to two events lately where there have been some serious lines to either get in or for (what else?) the bar! Here’s the problem though. I realized that at both of these events, the long lines could have been avoided if the organizers took a couple minutes to think about the set up.

Each time the crucial mistake was setting the first bar up next to the entrance to the event. It might seem like a good idea (“Let’s hit them up with some alcohol right away and everyone will be happy!”) but this can seriously backfire.

The inevitable consequence is a bottleneck at the front and empty space in the back, even if there are other bars/food stations set up back there!

I don’t know what it is about people’s behavior in groups that make them gather around the front door and the first bar or station they see, but it happens. Think about the events you’ve been to. The other night I almost saw someone fall into a pool because it was so crowded around the first bar that when someone moved at the front it rippled to the back spitting out unsuspecting bystanders.

The real killer? There were at least three bars set up on the other end of the pool opposite of the front door that were completely lineless. The front bar was a mob scene . . . people crawling all over each other, arms and legs flying in every direction, children crying (I don’t know why they were there, but they were and they were crying). It was a horror show!

My party and I fought through the initial fray and had almost exclusive rights to the bars in the back.

All I’m saying is that the actual layout of your event is very important. Think about what people do in crowds and plan accordingly. Put your bars and food stations where you want people to go and spread out. If you want a horrible bottleneck at the front of your event, by all means put a bar right there, but don’t be surprised when people start to get agitated for waiting when they don’t have to.

I recently had a conversation with a younger member of my family. I’m not going to say who, but I will say this: the little punk needs to get his act together.

You hear me little punk? Get your act together!

The conversation had to do with why he wasn’t doing that great in school. His primary thesis is that school was boring. My primary thesis was that he is an idiot. While I had some very solid evidence to prove my case the longer we talked the more I realized he actually had some evidence of his own. The little punk!

He explained that he liked some areas of school. The classes he didn’t like were the ones where the teachers just talked and talked. The classes he liked the best consisted of teachers who engaged the class in open discussion.

In between me thinking, “This kid is a punk,” and me actually saying it out loud, I realized that so far, all I had really done was talk about me in this blog.

I don’t want to be the bad teacher who all the little punks (I mean doe-eyed, innocent school children) make fun of and, sometimes, throw things at.

So I want to know some things about you. Today I’m going to briefly give an example of one of the best things I’ve ever experienced at an event and one of the worst. I’d like to hear about both of yours.

One of the best things that I’ve ever experienced was at an international destination wedding. The couple understood that it was a big deal for people to be there and they appreciated that people had incurred the expense of going. As a thank you, instead of having a reception dinner with just the bridal party, they rented out an old ballroom at a local hotel and had all the wedding guests for dinner and dancing. They paid for the entire night (including an open bar). The next day was the wedding. It was really like going to two weddings in one weekend and I had a great time. Class act all the way around.

The worst thing that I’ve experienced in a while was attending an event that didn’t start on time. I know that might not sound like a big deal, but it was. The worst part was that the guests didn’t have access to the venue.

The event was advertised to start at 5pm. It was kind of a big deal and represented an important milestone for the host. Everyone was at the venue an in line at 6pm. The doors didn’t open. It was hot. We were hungry. People started to look around with their eyes glassed over. One woman sat down on the curb and started crying.

We ended up standing in line until 7:00 pm before the doors were opened and we were let in. I’ll write about what was inside another time, but this was the worst etiquette I’ve ever experienced.

It’s one thing to be late with a band or a speech or something, but it’s entirely another thing to tell people to be there at a certain time and then keep them waiting (in discomfort) for more than a few minutes.

And I call my family member a little punk!

So, let’s have it! What is the best event experience you’ve had? What’s the worst? You don’t have to write a novel, but I’d like to see what you’ve got!

Leave your comments in the section below!

Last week was my introduction party . . . sort of! Atlas Party Rental sent out an email introducing me to the masses. I have been writing their blog for a number of months now, but it was the first time that Atlas made a huge deal out of it.

It made quite the splash! We got some very excited responses which were great. We also got some responses that were, shall I say, less than supportive.

It’s true, it’s true. One or two emails prompted me to start looking over my shoulder. It took me a couple of hours to remember that nobody knows who I am! Oh blessed anonymity! It was a great relief, and when I hung up the phone from the FBI Witness Protection Division I realized a clarification may be in order.

I am not going to events and parties to judge them, or anyone, in any way. I, and the very smart people at Atlas, know that this is no way to conduct ourselves. We have no rating system and don’t want one. I’m never going to give thumbs up or thumbs down, 2.5 stars, a rotten tomato, a soundless noise maker or any other such creative way to separate the awful from the divine.

That’s not our style.

I exist purely to provide some insights into how you can throw a fabulous event. When I say I’m writing about what I like or what I don’t it isn’t a judgment. It’s an observation. I will never, ever put anyone on the spot.

Here are the basic rules of decency that I’m going to follow:

1. I will never name an event, venue or person by name unless we are impressed with certain aspects of the event. 2. I only speak in general terms about the event and limit the identifiable characteristics as much as possible unless something about it is essential for the story (a venue by the sea for example). 3. I try to always comment on the great parts of events. Only when something is a bad idea or is something that others should avoid will I comment on them. Even then they are only observations.

My purpose is not to judge; it’s to offer observations and some occasional advice. You don’t have to follow it . . . of course, if you make the same mistake at an event you host, please don’t blame me!

I’m never going to embarrass anyone. Even my mother doesn’t know who I am and it’s going to stay that way!

I look forward to having fun in the future and I hope that this column is ultimately a place where you come to get good ideas that you can use or share with family and friends.

Next week we’ll get back to the events and boy do I have a doozy for you!